How to Survive & Thrive in Middle School - Tips from a Middle Schooler

While most of my clients are in high school or college. I have a few outstanding 8th graders who were gracious enough to offer tips on how to be successful in Middle School. The tips were cultivated after a great deal of trial & error and self-work.

1. Do not remind teacher about homework. (I feel like this advice is good from Kindergarten to Graduate School.)
2. Push against peer pressure. Arm yourself with good friends, extracurricular passions, and trusted adults.
3. Trust your gut. If it feels wrong, scary, dangerous, it probably is....
4. Do not get involved with a conflict or drama unless it has to do with you. (This one of my favorites!)
5. Let annoying behaviors go. (Caveat: unless it impedes learning.) When asked for examples of what they meant, I got: putting on makeup in class, foot tapping, sniffing loudly.
6. Do not report on people unless they are hurting you or others. I asked what their personal line was and they said racist, homophobic, and threatening words/actions.
7. Do not get involved with the “wrong people.” I asked, how do you know? They said, you evaluate their choices, words, behaviors, and other friends.
8. Do not post your problems on social media. (Again, advice that could be applied for a lifetime.)
9. Don't try to force a relationship. Clarification: friendship OR romantic
10. Don't put others down to make yourself feel better (also don't put yourself down). Another favorite!

Couldn’t have said it better myself!

It’s not bullying.

Inflammatory title, I know. Stay with me. In the last few days I have talked to several middle schoolers about conflicts between themselves and peers and I have two things to say. Just two (and some context/research).

It’s Relational Aggression:

My clients and I talk a lot about “social power.” Who has it, how did they get it, who gave it to them, etc. While this is a very abstract conversation, we can all look back (or around) and pinpoint those in our lives who we perceive to hold more power than others in a social landscape. Those with social power wield it per their desires and sometimes people get hurt. Which is when the conversation becomes concrete. The negative behaviors that come along with social power, are called relational aggression (RA). One definition states that RA is a set of, “behaviors aim(ed) at harming and manipulating a person’s interpersonal relations through rumor spreading, social exclusion, or ignoring… (Crick & Grotpeter, 1995; Voulgaridou & Kokkinos, 2015).” Sound familiar?

As a school counselor, I saw these behaviors start as early as Kindergarten. However, they are especially worse during middle school years, ages 10-14ish. What a terrible combination of events. Peers gossiping, isolating, and ignoring you, while you are trying to figure out who you are, why your body is changing, and how to do school for real (among other things). We wonder why we start to see more mental health issues during middle school…duh.

So, what’s the life “hack” here? First, let’s encourage young people to find the peers that treat them with kindness, equality, and respect. Second, let’s show them what that looks like in OUR lives. With our friends, family, and work colleagues. Modeling and a healthy family culture are some of the most powerful influences in our lives when we are young. Third, remind them that it is not their job to “fix” anyone or any situation. It is so kind/brave to stand with your friends in a challenging social situation but none of us can change anyone else at a fundamental level. I remind my clients to have empathy for them while setting boundaries that keep themselves healthy and well.

It’s Emotional Regulation (or lack thereof):

There has been a great deal of content created recently around how our bodies and emotions work together. I love it. I was working with a client the other day and it was clear that their body was dysregulated during a conflict with a peer at school. I could also tell, by the story, the peer was dysregulated. So, here we have two dysregulated middle schoolers trying to handle a conflict fueled by emotions. Whew. (PSA: Please support school counselors) Neither handled it perfectly. They proceeded to hurl hurtful words and threats back and forth.

But, it did not have to go this way!

Let’s say, there is an alternate universe, where middle schoolers are regulated, can identify their emotions, and are allowed to feel/communicate them…

First, they would tune into their bodies to see if they were becoming dysreguated by a big emotion.

(This could look like shallow, quick breaths, warm face, tense body, racing thoughts. When this happens, our brains think that there is a dangerous situation from which we need to defend ourselves. This is so amazing of our bodies, but when we shift away from our thinking brain to our fight/flight/freeze brain, we no longer are able to engage in logical problem solving, clear decision-making, etc.)

Then, they would try to regulate their bodies by taking deep breaths, taking a walk for water, or talking to friends. Saying, “Hey, we need to talk about this but I need a minute.”

After calming their body they would think about how they were feeling and attempt to communicate that to their peer when ready. Saying, “So, I was embarrassed/upset when I found out you didn’t like me the way I like you.” (or something like that).

The other human could then say, “I get that. I was trying to be honest, I didn’t mean to upset you. Hope we can be friends or at least be cool with each other.”

In this alternate universe they may be totally cool or become friends. In our reality, they might not be able to be cool. Today, tomorrow, or ever. Or maybe they will be after some time. Who knows. But, if we can stay regulated, we are more likely to have a positive outcome than if we let our emotions dysregulate us.

Life Hack here: Talk about emotions and how to handle them with the young people you love. Teach them how to be aware of their body and calm their body. Help them practice communicating effectively, with empathy, and without regret. Also, support the administrators, teachers, and school counselors who support young people when this happens daily.

Recap: Some of the challenges you or your child are dealing with is either relational aggression OR negative emotions spewing from a dysregulated human. Ideally, we stay regulated, have empathy for other humans, and communicate effectively.

P.S. Here is a definition of bullying from the APA: “a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions.” Very similar for sure, however, typically schools and institutions will correlate the aggression/physical contact more with bullying. RA (IMHO) is more covert and therefore harder to hold behaviors accountable…for now.

Relational Aggression Citations:

Voulgaridou, I., Kokkinos, C.M. Relational Aggression in Adolescents Across Different Cultural Contexts: A Systematic Review of the Literature. Adolescent Res Rev (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s40894-023-00207-x

Leff, S. S., Waasdorp, T. E., & Crick, N. R. (2010). A Review of Existing Relational Aggression Programs: Strengths, Limitations, and Future Directions. School psychology review, 39(4), 508–535.

Lansford, J. E., Skinner, A. T., Sorbring, E., Di Giunta, L., Deater-Deckard, K., Dodge, K. A., Malone, P. S., Oburu, P., Pastorelli, C., Tapanya, S., Tirado, L. M., Zelli, A., Al-Hassan, S. M., Alampay, L. P., Bacchini, D., Bombi, A. S., Bornstein, M. H., & Chang, L. (2012). Boys’ and Girls’ Relational and Physical Aggression in Nine Countries. Aggressive behavior, 38(4), 298–308. https://doi.org/10.1002/ab.21433

Main Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash

The Problem with Numbers and Bodies

Hourly, daily, weekly, and monthly, I have conversations with my clients surrounding bodies and their size, shape, and the personal and public feelings about them. There is more than enough content, good, bad, and fake, created in the health/diet/anti-diet space so I won’t take up too much space here. BUT, I do feel like there is one aspect that is often left out of the conversation… Alllll of the fake numbers that we allow to evaluate and hold power over us as opposed to listening to our bodies.

Let me tell you a little story about the Body Mass Index (BMI):

The individual that came up with body mass index was a mathematician, not a doctor. He created the formula to help assess the “degree of obesity in a general population” which would then help them allocate resources properly, in the 1830s. The formula makes no allowance for the differences in individuals’ proportions of bone, muscle, and fat in the body. FYI, bone, muscle, and fat have different densities. BMI does not take that into account. In addition, the original research was focused on young, white, biological males. Therefore it does not represent biological females or those of different ethnicities. Millions of people have been classified as “overweight” or “obese” using BMI, however when used in conjunction with other (more current) scientific methods, researchers have found that many of these folks were actually “healthy” and some considered “normal” by the scale were “unhealthy.” According to the original BMI calculation, many professional athletes would be considered “overweight” or “obese.” Factors that can give us a better understanding of our health are our bloodwork, our muscle to fat ratio, bone density, genetics, hormone tests, and how we live our day-to-day life.

Let me tell you a little story about calories:

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) allows nutrition labels to be off by as much as 20%. So basically, you have no idea how many calories are in anything. Historically, one of the most common weight loss methods we see is calories in, calories out. Theoretically that works because…math. However, it's not just math is it? It's our bodies. Every human body digest food differently. Some foods will be fully digested, and some will not. (insert thought about poop here) There is even research that says the number of calories will differ due to the species of the food we are eating and how we prepare the food, i.e. boiling, baking, microwaving, etc. If two people eat the same food, they may not intake the same number of calories (I like broccoli tops and my friend likes the stalks, true story), nor will their bodies get to use the same number of calories (even if we both ate broccoli). It’s time to move on…

Lastly, I want to assign an honorable mention to bathroom scales. There are so many articles and studies about this I will just let you google it. Scales are inaccurate, how could they possibly be accurate. At their best they measure in the ballpark of your body weight, which tells you nothing about your overall health. At worst, they cause shame, guilt, and disordered eating after they’ve given you a wildly inaccurate number. Throw them out and listen to your body.

The goal of all this is to encourage everyone to stop looking to false/inaccurate systems and technology to inform us about our own bodies. Each of our bodies are uniquely made and they should not be compared to each other. No one has exactly the same genetics as another person (except for you identical twins). Learning about our bodies takes time, and then it changes (puberty), and then it changes again, and again as we get older. I encourage everyone to listen to your body, eat good food, ask questions and learn. We are on a journey of understanding with our bodies…what foods make it feel good, what clothes make it look its best, how does it likes to move, what does it need when it is sick, who does it react to and how…..That is the beautiful work. Don’t waste your time comparing, calculating, or counting.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

References:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/255712#what-is-a-healthy-weight

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/is-bmi-accurate/

https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=106268439#:~:text=The%20BMI%20was%20introduced%20in,the%20government%20in%20allocating%20resources.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6928134/?report=reader

https://time.com/6101041/counting-calories-weight-loss-supersized-lies/

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/science-reveals-why-calorie-counts-are-all-wrong/#:~:text=We%20calculate%20the%20available%20energy,and%20proteins%20deliver%20just%20four.

Photo by Graphic Node on Unsplash

Teens Making Decisions

Back in the day I used this quote by author Stephanie Meyer (Twilight) to introduce my unit on developmental psychology. It sparked some really great discussion and highlights a challenging area for teenagers.

“I think being a teenager is such a compelling time period in your life--it gives you some of your worst scars and some of your most exhilarating moments. It's a fascinating place; old enough to feel truly adult, old enough to make decisions that affect the rest of your life, old enough to fall in love, yet, at the same time too young (in most cases) to be free to make a lot of those decisions without someone else's approval.”

The most interesting part to me is where she highlights that teenagers are encouraged to start making decisions for themselves…. yet, most of those decisions have to be run by adults, just to make sure that they are good (“approved”).

That can be a confusing space for young people. For some, the decision and then the corresponding validation can be encouraging. For others, if the adults in their lives question their decisions, invalidate their decisions, or even worse, ridicule their decisions, it can cause a young person to begin to mistrust themselves and their ability to make decisions.

What we have to remember is that until we are around age 22-25 parts of our brains are still developing. The pre-frontal cortex is the part of our brain that controls judgement, organization and decision-making. It, unfortunately, is one of the last areas to finish developing. Until then, much of teenage decision-making is influenced by our very emotional, instinctual, and reactive limbic system. In addition, developmentally, teens are most definitely asking their friends to weigh in on decisions before, but hopefully in addition to, their families.

In order to support the process of decision-making, listen to young people. Talk with them. Work through decisions with them. Take time to ask questions, make a pro/con list, and discuss outcomes. Ask them what their friends think. At the end of the day, listen. Listen and discuss. The time that is taken right now will pay off over and over again in the closeness, mutual respect, and trust within your relationship. It will also arm your child with confidence in themselves and their ability to make decisions in the future.

Going to Extremes

The events of January 6th are obviously at top of mind for many this week. There is certainly blame to go around but, to me, there is something that we have forgotten to talk about.

Extremism.

I am not just talking about terrorism or politics, I am thinking more everyday extremism and how it affects the way we communicate. More importantly, how we model and teach young people to communicate.  

Remember, nothing is healthy in extremes…exercising, sleeping, donuts, religion, and especially opinions!

Many people are afraid to talk to their children about political events. I agree that there are some children who, developmentally, cannot fully grasp what is happening within some of these events. However, middle and high schoolers are seeing these events unravel on TikTok, SnapChat, and Instagram without context and/or understanding.  This is the time to have conversations about where information comes from and how to challenge and vet sources. Further, this is the PERFECT time to discuss how to have civil discussions about anything! Your children, students, and peers CAN have discussions about challenging subjects. If they cannot have that conversation without shouting, name calling, and anger, then Houston, we have a problem.

In challenging discussions, listening and asking questions are the key. Active listening is listening in which when one person is talking, the other is listening without interrupting, with full attention (no phones/tv for anyone), and nonverbals to show that you are listening. Nonverbals include nodding, leaning in, and eye contact. When the speaker is finished, the listener then asks clarifying questions or summarizes briefly what the speaker has said. (If someone can’t summarize what the other just said, they are simply thinking of what they are going to say next instead of listening. This will not go well, maybe try to discuss again at a later date.) Then, everyone switches roles and so on and so forth. Easy Peasy!

Please don’t underestimate young people. It is a mistake. Now is the time to have these conversations. If they challenge you and ask questions, that is awesome! That means that you have engaged them enough to have further conversation. Listen to them and then together research information on a few different news outlets. At the end, they will come out of your discussion with research skills, skills on how to have a respectful discourse, and most importantly pride in themselves and in you.  

After all, isn’t that what we want for the future of our country?

Photo Credit: Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash

Active Listening Resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/202006/active-listening-skills

https://www.edutopia.org/article/value-active-listening

A different kind of grief

Typically, when we think of grief we think about death. While there is certainly enough of that kind of news coming in, I would like for you to consider what grief looks like these days...specifically for our young adults.

In the Spring, my seniors lost their beach trip, their prom, and their graduation, just to name a few. This school year, my freshman attended (or virtually attended) a very different school system than the one they anticipated. This years seniors have to re-imagine homecoming, senior nights, and wonder about college admissions in this new era.

These are all losses. Maybe not a physical loss but a loss of what our youth had been looking forward to for five, ten, or possibly even twelve years. We told them our stories of high school, of homecoming, prom, football games, performances, and possibly a party here or there. But, they don’t have that right now. They don’t even know if they will have it. None of us know what high school or college will look like moving forward.

The overall sadness and irritability that you keep hearing about on the news regarding our teens, this is part of that. They have lost the experience that they have been anticipating for years. A change of plan is challenging for some. For others it is disorienting and takes significant support to find motivation to move forward.

Please recognize this loss for the young folks in your life. It is not silly, it is not trivial to them. Keep in mind we all experienced school the traditional way and we can only attempt to understand what they are experiencing. Listen to them and actually hear them. Ask them questions if you are having a hard time understanding. They will remember and it helps to know that you are on their team.

In addition to talking and listening…starting a daily gratitude practice or incorporating positive affirmations could be helpful.

If you, your young person, or family need further support, please call.

Resources:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/can-i-grieve-if-nobody-died-0314165